it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
