hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
