I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
My vagina is very pro this idea
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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