good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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