Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
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