OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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