Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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