I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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