while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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