if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
