i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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