ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
