he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
