Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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