The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
