you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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