i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
