God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
