its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
