Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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