i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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