I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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