the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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