true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
