meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Bring me that man meat
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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