I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
