you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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