Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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