Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
