How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
