hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
