I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
