I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
