im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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