you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
