thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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