Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
