The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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