No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Everything about him screamed your future.
I just gift wrapped bread.
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I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
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We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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