I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
