I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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