worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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