the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
