Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
