On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
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