Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
