I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
