She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
