I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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