The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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