I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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