your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
