You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu