You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.