I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
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SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
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your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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