Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
