when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Barsexuality is the new black.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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