life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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