he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
