fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
