puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
