WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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