My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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